By Katharine Carter Counsellor & Mediator
As a counsellor, I’m always seeking resources that truly resonate with clients—tools that go beyond surface-level advice and dive deep into healing, self-awareness, and transformation. One of the books that has deeply influenced my work with individuals and couples is How to Create the Love You Seek by Dr. Nicole LePera.
This book offers a compassionate, accessible, and research-informed approach to understanding how our early experiences shape the way we show up in relationships. It blends psychology, trauma-informed practice, and nervous system regulation—key components I already incorporate in therapy.
Here’s how I use it with clients:
1. Identifying Relationship Patterns
One of the core ideas in the book is that we often repeat patterns from childhood in our adult relationships—sometimes without even realizing it. I work with clients to uncover these unconscious loops, such as chasing love, fearing abandonment, or avoiding intimacy altogether. Nicole’s exercises in the book help clients recognize their “relationship blueprint” and begin to rewire it.
2. Understanding the Nervous System in Relationships
Nicole emphasizes how our nervous systems respond in relationships—whether we’re hyper-alert, shut down, or able to stay regulated. This is particularly helpful for clients struggling with communication, conflict, or emotional overwhelm. In session, we often pair her tools with somatic exercises and grounding strategies to help clients better understand their responses and build emotional safety in connection.
3. Shifting from “Fixing Others” to “Healing Self”
Clients often come to therapy frustrated with their partner, parent, or child, hoping I’ll help them “fix the other person.” Nicole gently redirects this by showing how the most powerful transformation happens within. I support clients in taking ownership of their triggers, boundaries, and needs—something this book guides beautifully with reflection prompts and inner child work.
4. Building Secure Attachment with Self First
Before we can experience secure love with others, we need to learn how to offer it to ourselves. How to Create the Love You Seek is filled with practices that help clients create inner safety and self-trust. We use these exercises in sessions or between sessions as homework. For many clients, it becomes a meaningful journal companion throughout their healing journey.
5. Creating Intentional, Conscious Relationships
Ultimately, the book invites us to move away from reactive, fear-based relating and into intentional, connected love. Whether a client is single, dating, or long-married, this mindset shift is powerful. It opens the door to conversations about what healthy love actually looks like—and how to build it.
Final Thoughts
If you’re in therapy or considering it, How to Create the Love You Seek can be a transformative companion. It helps bring clarity to old wounds, tools to navigate new relationships, and hope that we can change the way we love and are loved.
As a counsellor, I often recommend it to clients who are ready to take the next step—not just in understanding their relationships, but in healing themselves.
Because the love you seek? It starts with you.
Curious about how this work might support you personally? Feel free to reach out and book a session. I’d be honored to walk with you on your journey toward deeper, more meaningful connection.
