Have you ever been in that place? That place where your relationship feels great in so many ways. You share hobbies, inside jokes and know exactly what they order at 2 a.m. at the drive-thru window. You know their likes, dislikes and maybe you even ignore a few of their quirks in the name of love, of course. You feel so close to them, and yet, when you forget to change the garbage, maybe you missed an invite to dinner at her parents’ due to a golf night, or you said that thing again you swore you wouldn’t. They feel close to your worst enemy, like they look at you almost like you are Sheldon Cooper explaining quantum physics to Penny? Or they feel like an absolute fire in your whole body that you cannot put out, and any attempt to extinguish this inferno is only met with increased flames. So maybe, just maybe, after 5 to the 100th time, you just don’t. You quit trying to understand; you quit making those cute apologies that included their favourite Starbucks or maybe even a date that you both haven’t forgotten. This time, no, you will not be saying you are in the wrong; heck, you maybe don’t even feel sorry. No. You will simply ignore, or maybe you will even double down and remind them of the time they offended your Aunt Brenda 18 months ago, because that will even this up. Or maybe you take the opposite road, you grovel, you promise to make every change. That sweater they hate that reminds you of your first year of college? Nope, I will never wear it again. Hurting your feelings? I will treat you like a dang landmine, and I’ll dance like Fred Astaire to avoid any sensation of pain for you. And me? We will forget I have any feelings until I one day cannot fake this any longer and blow like Chernobyl because you forgot my dipping sauce for my McNuggets. Sound familiar? Welcome to a relationship that has not developed 2 key factors: 1. You do not have a repair kit for a rupture (it’s a nice word for when we fight), and 2. You have not developed your emotional intimacy. At this point, you are two nervous systems that are duking it out at rapid speed.

When I say repair, what am I really getting at? Repair is as simple and as difficult as zipper merging is to Saskatoon residents on Circle Drive mid-July. Repairs need to be rooted in one major concept, understanding, and it needs to lack shame.  Now, stay with me here. Apologies are almost naturally flavoured with shame. Not always an intense amount, but it lingers. When we learn to apologize as children, it is often taught using shame as a motivator. “Look what you did, you little jerk” ring any bells? Did Kevin go and self-reflect and offer an apology? No, he wished his family away and then defended his home like a boss! But I digress. We often do not learn to be curious about our apology; we learn to rush it because we cannot sit in the shame of the action or the hurt. Enough shame can force us either way; we can become overfunctioning and offer every repair known to man. You want me to beat Michael Phelps in the butterfly? Sign me up, GOAT who. You need me to never forget anything ever again. Well, I am now perfect. Or, let’s avoid making you feel like the issue, and how about we reconvene tomorrow and pretend this never happened. Until, of course, I do not flip the laundry or say your current obsession with Love Island is stupid. Then game on, buddy, get two seatbelts because you’re not safe here. When we enter a rupture, all couples have a dance, that toxic loop that we do not get out of. That is why your ruptures feel so draining; you know exactly how these are going to go. Enter repair. We want to approach repair with curiosity, not defence. Using open questions that allow our partner to express their upset, to seek clarity and to understand. Understanding is the trick; it is not from your point of view, it is from theirs. Repair allows for the hurt to be validated, and an offer to heal is made. We want to listen for the blocks. When you see me speak really fast, it is because inside I feel like I am losing you. Sounds a heck of a lot different than “You stress me out.”, so of course I am talking fast.

Repair requires practice and maybe a few lessons. But it is doable, and with the right repair kit, the number of ruptures becomes less important. They can be used as opportunities to create a deeper understanding and maybe even a new depth to your bond. However, a repair avoided is not a fight avoided; it is the start of a deep cut that is going to need stitches.  Do not fear the conversations about what helps your partner feel heard, what they need in an apology and maybe what blocks them from saying that. Fear not having this knowledge and operating as if you do, and wondering why you cannot get off this rollercoaster. Repair requires self-reflection on both partners in the relationship.

Now, emotional intimacy- what the heck is that, and why do I need it? Low-key kinda don’t love the word intimacy, and you combine that with the word emotional, and I’d rather experience a pedicure given by a toddler on a sugar high. It is made of 3 major components. Validation, seen and heard. If you can create this trifecta in your relationships, you will have created the healthiest versions of you. This allows your partner to see you as the safe place to land, even if shame is in the driver’s seat. Knowing and knowing are two different things when it comes to this. I can “know” what my partner likes, or I can remain curious about them, forever. People are always changing; I cannot operate as if I know them, or I simply will end up in the roommate situation and blame them for it. Validation is two-fold; it can be compliments for sure, but it also is validating their experience. So, let’s say your partner has experienced something you have not, like in my case, I am adopted. So, if my partner were to say “Given that you are adopted, that reaction makes perfect sense,” that would validate my experience. It sounds easy, just sit and listen. But listening and being heard are not the same thing. When was the last time you actually put your phone down and asked curious questions and truly held space for them?  The statistics say you will be on a device 86% of the time around your partner. Deep or meaningful connection is being reported at 5 minutes a day. 5 minutes! You spend more time at red lights than you will intentionally connecting with your person. Ask questions, like who makes you feel most heard, and what do they do that creates that for you? How could I improve my current skills? Watch your ego here; you’re going to live when they tell you how to improve. Connection over protection, babes. Now for seen. Ouffffta. Seen has layers; it starts with feeling deeply understood and works to attunement and that amazing feeling that you can drop any and all masks faster than the COVID-19 freedom rally. Seeing is about getting the intent behind the words and knowing the person well enough to trust that this was their intent. Like, would my partner honestly intentionally hurt me, or do I know their heart? Each person will have varying opinions on which is more important. However, if these are present and consistently present, I will share my soul with you. If these are lacking, you have a better shot at winning that swim meet with Phelps than you do knowing their emotional currency.

This is all to say, yes, repair is hard. Of course it is! Relationships are hard! The answer is to get intentional. And maybe don’t forget the dipping sauce.